This Non-
Monetize-able
Space Is NOT
for Rent!
(Reverse Psychology)
Writing Quality Scholarship Application Letters and Essays
Do you need help writing the winning essay for your scholarship? Make that scholarship YOURS by contacting me for assistance in drafting the perfect scholarship application letter!
My name is Joseph Ohler — as you can see, I’m not some big, anonymous conglomerate saying, “We can help you! Visit our website! Blah-blah-blah…”
What sets me apart from other scholarship application writers? I’m real and want to help you — for a modest price, of course.
Besides having earned a 5/5 on the final version of the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) to feature an essay writing component (spring 2008), I tell you up-front whether your combination of qualifications has a greater than 50 percent likelihood of winning first, second, or third place (or placing high enough in the ranks to win some type of award) versus the typical quality of prior years’ award winners.
If you want someone who will fluff up your ego and take your money while laughing behind your back about how you have no chance, then use the Big Box Scholarship Writing Corp. or the Parent-Teacher Organization chairman’s best friend; neither will save you money on your gamble for scholarship dollars.
I’m the only one who will tell you whether you should just save your money, for an applicant with a lackluster background is merely wasting time and money because even the best scholarship writer on Earth cannot compensate for a paucity of significant critical thinking skills, despite his or her ego-inflating hyperbole.
Scholarship coordinators see right through such phony letters and will not let you pass the first round. By contrast, my scholarship essay writing process is deliberative and considers how a normal child at that grade would write and express the significance of his or her accomplishments.
For instance, it would be less acceptable for a high school senior to claim his or her contributions will change the world than it would be for a fifth grader to make such a boast — because the graduating senior should know better by now than to over-estimate his or her personal influence. (And lest there be any doubt, try getting one of those $10 hourly jobs at Wal-Mart without knowing the manager; you’ll be luckier by using a temp agency to get minimum-wage work.)
So when applying for an award, it is necessary to realistically describe how you contributed to Team Project A, Community Project B, etc. such that you acknowledge your place as a collaborator within society. If you try the “rockstar” approach of, “I can go anywhere in life because I’m so skilled,” then the scholarship coordinators will think, “Okay, s/he doesn’t need our award, then! Let us give the stipend to a more community-oriented citizen instead of to this ego-maniacal individual.”
And that is but one element of many that goes into the iterative thought process of writing an A+ scholarship application letter. Continue reading to get a handle on how to order confidentially and securely.
How to Order
Using the email you check most often, reply to this infomercial “article ad” by posting a message in the comment section. Be sure to include all of the following:
1) A list of your accomplishments as they relate to that scholarship; AND
2) The information related to the exact scholarship for which you’re applying. This includes ALL of the following:
A) Title of the scholarship; AND
B) Description of the scholarship; AND
C) Website of the organization offering the scholarship.
If ordering essays for multiple scholarships, then include 1) and 2) for each and every scholarship, or I will be unable to write a targeted essay for those scholarships lacking such information.
Rates
$25 for each 500-word essay; or $5 for every 100 words.
Delivery Time
I send finished essays to your designated email account within 5 business days of you transmitting your order (not counting Saturdays or Sundays; extra fees apply). This means that you will receive the type of essay you ordered by the same day of the week, but in the following week and not necessarily any sooner unless you expedite your order with rush delivery (see below).
Rush Delivery
Double the rate for every next-day delivery. Add a fifth of the essay fee to the total for each day sooner you want it compared to five business days away.
So if you send me your accomplishments and the scholarship information on Friday and want me to deliver your 500-word essay on Monday, then the fee is $50 (or $25 X 2). But if on Friday you order and want delivery by no later than Wednesday, then the fee is $35 (or $25 X 1.4).
Or if you wanted only a 300-word essay but a delivery time of within three days, then you would pay $21 (or $15 X 1.4). And if you were to settle for standard delivery time, then expect your essay to be delivered the next Friday seven days following the Friday on which you order, the following Monday if you ordered on Monday, etc. Delivery during the weekend incurs an extra charge (see below).
Weekend Delivery
If you want your essay delivered to you on Sunday, then add a $5 surcharge in addition to the rush delivery fee. If on any day when you order you want your essay delivered to you on Saturday, then add a $10 surcharge in addition to the rush delivery fee. Both types of surcharges must be paid in advance!
So if you ordered a 300-word essay on Wednesday and specified a delivery time of within three calendar days instead of business days (such that you get it on Saturday instead of on Monday), then you would pay $31 [or ($15 X 1.4) + 10].
“In Spite of Having No Chance” Delivery
Without knowing how many competitors you’ll face in a given contest, I’m able to estimate your chances as a competitor by evaluating your accomplishment background against prior winners of the scholarships you identify as the ones you for which want me to write an essay. I thereby save unrealistic entrants the hassle of thinking they’re contenders when they are, in fact, better off focusing their time and money elsewhere (perhaps on a different scholarship).
But if you absolutely demand that I write a scholarship letter after I find you have no realistic chance, then expect to pay an indeterminately higher sum for getting the application letter written. This negotiated surcharge must be paid in advance and accounts for various factors such as pursuing a waste of resources and exhibiting your insolence against expert authority (with both being behaviors for which you’re punished severely in the work world and should therefore be conditioned to avoid while young).
“Why do you charge extra to deliver on the weekend? The postal service delivers on Saturday! I do my homework on Sundays! Why the extra charge!?!”
Just like any professional business (banks, couriers, hotels, etc.), I’ve chosen to implement fees for all of the following reasons:
1) Intelligent planning on your behalf would make the additional fees unnecessary. If you order at least 7 calendar days in advance of your scholarship application deadline(s), then you’ve nothing to worry about.
2) Life’s not fair. Just ask anyone who’s held a checking account but couldn’t earn enough Direct Deposit money to waive the account holder charge! (Tips from waiting tables do not count.)
3) I have a life outside work. You know all your friends who say they can’t hang out because they’re too busy working through the weekend? They’re lying! Now go enjoy your weekend while I work on your scholarship essay!
Odds of a Random Entry Winning vs. Your Personal Likelihood of Winning
Don’t confuse the odds of winning — N awards out the number of scholarship applicants — with the likelihood of winning. Whereas the former is an average of how often you would tend to win an award if you ran the same contest with the same applicants under the same conditions hundreds of times — quite frankly, impossible to do and therefore an imaginary average of no true significance — the latter is the mathematical summary of all the barriers you face as individual in addition to the raw number of fellow players in the zero-sum game of scholarship conquests (and also in the workplace, as you will undoubtedly find in your struggle to secure professional employment, not counting freelance scholarship writing *cough*cough*).
Rather, the chances I estimate for you are based on how distant you are from being the ideal applicant for that particular scholarship. The Pareto principle of “20 percent of applicants win 80 percent of contests” may be further trimmed to “5 percent of applicants win 95 percent of scholarship monies” by the fact that each scholarship you enter adds at least dozens, if not hundreds, more competitors to the denominator side of your odds formula than the few awards that count as opportunities to win on the numerator side of the likelihood ratio.
In other words, I’ll tell you to not waste your money on a costly scholarship writer if the accomplishments you tell me are a mediocre fit for the scholarship or otherwise fall short of the golden stack expected by scholarship coordinators.
Also, you may need to meet certain socioeconomic and demographic requirements such as low income threshold, being the first one in your family to enroll in college, etc. — but I will remind you of this if the scholarship for which you want to apply has one or more such restrictions those among the eligibility criteria.
“And the Refund Policy is –?”
None. High school and college are but means of denying the fact that nothing — besides death or taxes — is guaranteed.
Because I provide only the essay, I cannot guarantee that your personal background is exactly what the scholarship grantors are seeking. I’m unaffiliated with any scholastic body and therefore cannot pull any strings to place you on the winner’s list.
Also: Scholarship coordinators may always decide to reward no one at all!
Although each opportunity to win is also an opportunity to lose, the unknown amount of actual competitors from those eligible will come into play only if your scholarship essay is good enough to win unopposed under entry requirements. A natural-sounding scholarship letter is therefore critical to having a non-zero chance of winning.
Payment Policy
Full payment is due via PayPal within three business days of me delivering your essay(s) via email.
“Why can’t I send a check, money order, or cash?”
All three forms of payment can be lost in the mail, and I don’t need the hassle of resolving disputes over whether you mailed a payment that I never received. Plus, checks may bounce. PayPal eliminates all those issues!
“PayPal requires me to use either my PayPal account or a credit/debit card. I thought this was anonymous?”
It is CONFIDENTIAL. Nothing on the Internet is anonymous, but I never share information given to me — except in the case you decide to refuse me payment for one or more essays I’ve delivered to you. If you don’t have your own credit card or PayPal address, then ask the permission of your parent or guardian BEFORE you order!
Do not order anything unless you know ahead of time that you have a means to pay. Only criminals think, “I’ll buy today and then see if I can afford it later!”
“What if I dispute the charge after you write and deliver my essay, i.e. don’t pay? I already have the essay, after all!”
As mentioned previously, I do not write anything before you pay me. In the unfortunate situation you think of some genius scheme to con me or otherwise have not paid the charges due for your delivered essay(s), then I will promptly contact the scholarship organizers and inform them of your cheating.
I have that information from the scholarship website (title, description, and grantor) you gave me — remember? I need only to send that organization the essay I had sent you, and then the organizers will recognize your entry as a duplicate of what I showed them. I don’t even need to know your name!
That’s how I expose clients who don’t pay. Whether paying for a register-based census whitepaper on Elance or buying a unique scholarship essay tailored to your background through this blog: Never shortchange the person who has a copy of your confidential materials! You will be found out and disqualified from whatever advantages you had sought.
So even if you send the essay, it will be no good unless you pay me in full to keep our business transaction confidential — instead of having you widely known to scholarship organizers as a blatant cheater. Again, I will do that ONLY in the event of non-payment. Those who pay in full for the essays they order are assured of total confidentiality.
“You make my odds of winning a scholarship seem miniscule. Why should I bother paying you for a unique essay?”
Consider the odds: If you buy an application essay for $25 and win a $250 scholarship as a result, then you earn ten times what you spent and net $225. If you win a $2,500 scholarship from that $25 essay, then you earn a hundred times what you spent and net $2,475!
That amounts to roughly two months of working at a fast food place, and it’s all because you invested in a well-written scholarship essay. And because I write each scholarship essay from scratch, you will not be disqualified for a “duplicate essay” — because I produce no duplicates.
If paying $25 for a credible, unique scholarship essay is too much in your mind, then understand this fact about successful people: Managers never do everything themselves — they delegate!
And why should you do everything yourself? You can only get your friend to write so many free scholarship essays, so eventually it’s time to pay the piper for the output you need!
You (or your parents) may as well choose me to make the scholarship acquisition process painless. “Set it and forget it,” as the successful people say!
Tags: “scholarships writer”, “award letters”, “winning essays”, “raise your stakes”, “increase your chances”, “beat the odds”, “writing quality scholarship application letters”
An Official Blog of Joseph Ohler, Jr. 