The day-before-yesterday[1] was my birthday! (I turned 37 years old.) In my inbox that day, I espied-an-email[2] advertising the latest health-and-wellness post from the Hometown Pharmacy blog.
Written by Tyler Congemi, his article “Back-to-School Lunch Ideas” articulates three easy-to-make snacks that practically-any-parent can put into their child’s lunch bag.[3] But why-would-I care? I’m not in school anymore — Thank G_d! — and I don’t have any young-ones going, either. (TG x2!)
The long-standing coincidence of my birthday with back-to-school season, means-that whenever my age-tally ticks forward, I’m haunted-by-memories of compulsory education.[4] As a departure from my normal “rhetorical diet” — criticizing higher education; disagreeing with the Library Board; describing technological snafus; and generally airing perspectives that cause conflict — I opted-for lighter fare, as a-reprieve-to both myself and my readers.[5]
Herein, I respond to Congemi’s culinary cues, by paraphrasing selected information from his article. You may read Tyler’s recipes, at the link — in the second paragraph — which reads “his article ‘Back-to-School Lunch Ideas.” (Google won’t-let-me[6] link to the same article again, within-a-few paragraphs where I had-previously linked-to-it.)
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Hometown Pharmacy’s recommendation: Home-made pizza rolls[7][8]
What they are: Rolled-up tortilla wraps; containing tomato paste, cheese, and lettuce
How easy-is-it to make: I’d rate this dish’s difficulty as a very easy 1-out-of-5. There’s no cooking involved; indeed, the only preparation is-to-have your ingredients on-hand. Throw-them together onto a tortilla wrap; roll-it-up; and you’re done!
Although the article shows the wraps cut-into small, round slices — that much-resemble sushi wraps — cutting isn’t necessary. (Unless, of course, you need the pieces to fit-in-your hand; such-as-if you’re sneaking them into the library!)[9]
Changes that I recommend: If your child doesn’t-like the rough texture of raw spinach; and if she can’t stand the watery runniness of canned spinach: Then, omit the spinach![10] Instead, substitute iceberg lettuce.[11] It will go-down more smoothly, without sacrificing many vitamins or minerals.[12]
If your kid still balks at the pizza rolls; then, try reducing the cheese.[13] Also, make-sure your child has a say-in-whether the cheese is chilled, grilled, or room temperature.[14]
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Hometown Pharmacy’s recommendation: Home-made, bite-sized brownies[15][16]
What they are: Health-enthusiast food (oatmeal, dates, and whey powder), mixed-with cocoa powder
How easy-is-it to make: I’d rate this dish’s difficulty as a moderately easy 2-out-of-5. Involving somewhat-messy powders, this recipe has at-least four dry ingredients (depending-on-whether you customize your brownie) that must-be-carefully mixed in a particular order (finer particles sooner, coarser particles later). As a time-saver, this recipe’s lack-of wet ingredients means it can be congealed via refrigeration; thereby, omitting baking entirely.
Changes that I recommend: Brownies are tough-enough, without additional protein. I would kindly advise withholding the whey protein from your batch-of-brownies. Instead, why-not-include a hamburger patty or a pouch of tuna-fish?[17][18]
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Hometown Pharmacy’s recommendation: Home-made apple chips
What they are: Thinly-sliced apples, baked in lemon juice[19]
How easy-is-it to make: I’d rate this dish’s difficulty as not-easy, but not-hard, 3-out-of-5. Although there are only-a-few ingredients, this recipe is very-much on the tedious side; because the prep-and-bake time easily exceeds 2 hours! (10 minutes of apple-slicing, followed-by 110 minutes of baking.)
Another challenge is: Anytime you bake something, there’s very little margin-of-error![20] Unless you’re around-to-monitor your oven, and stop-it-when the timer chimes; then, you’ll over-bake your apple chips. (Unless, of course, you have a rotisserie oven that turns-itself-off after a pre-determined time.)
Changes that I recommend: I’d rather buy-a-few bags of Seneca apple chips;[21] and be done-with-it. But if you’re determined-to-make your own; then, have-at-it! Once the apple chips have cooled, I would also pack-a-few ketchup packets; so-that your kid can slather some vinegar-and-tomato paste over their apple chips. (If you’ve been hoarding ketchup packets in-anticipation-of our pending “food shortage;”[22] then, this condiment should be on-hand!)
As a bonus, the ketchup counts as a serving-of-vegetables,[23] for the-sake-of complying with federal USDA school-nutrition guidelines. As another perk, your child and “friends” may use the ketchup as stage-blood during their play-fighting as “extreme wrestlers.”[24] (Where are the NERF folding chairs,[25] when you need them? And be-sure-to score the folding table[26] before you dive-through it!)
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—Footnotes—
[1] To attract the so-called “long-tail search traffic” for “statistically rare search-terms,” I almost wrote, “The day-before-today was my birthday.” But then, I came-to-my-senses and used the commonly-understood statement, “Yesterday was my birthday.”
But by-the-time I posted, it was well-into tomorrow: It became “the day -after- yesterday” (which is also-known-as “today”)! For accuracy, I combined the aforementioned quotations into the hybrid statement, “My birthday was the day before -yesterday,”- instead-of “the day before today” or merely saying, “It was yesterday.” (Although, by including all these “alternate phrases” within this footnote, I -do- get the long-tail search-traffic that I had sought!)
[2] “Espied” is past-tense of the verb “espy,” which is an archaic word that meant “to observe.” It’s etymologically related-to the noun “espionage.” (However, the logic linking the common verb “espy” to the proper noun “ESPY Awards,” is more-or-less “folk etymology” without any historical truth.)
[3] What the article refers-to-as “lunch recipes,” I call “snack recipes;” because they aren’t a full-meal on-their-own. Try filling-up on apple chips, Brownies, or pizza rolls alone! Unless you’re vegetarian, you’ll-be-craving meat, poultry, or fish to round-out your meal.
[4] To say-nothing-of elective education, such-as the financially, emotionally, and chronologically exhausting pursuit of one’s college degree! While I -did- finish my academic degree, my career was finished before it started. (Circa 2010, which was -way- before my “present troubles.”)
[5] Although I said blogging-about something different would “be a reprieve” for some readers, -most- regular readers appreciate the value of expressing controversial perspectives. Therefore, a my long-time patrons might eagerly anticipate my-return-to the “spitfire blogging” for-which I’m known!
[6] Technically, I -could- re-link to an article that I had hyperlinked-to earlier in the same blog-post. However, Google would reduce the-placement-of my web-page in its search results. I even wrote-an-article about Google penalties, way-back in December 2012!
[7] A pizza roll is like a calzone — both are folded-up pizza! — but the roll is longer. (Don’t worry: Tostino’s won’t-sue-you for using the term “pizza rolls.”) To make your pizza rolls look-like sashimi, slice them width-wise! You can toss these slices into your mouth.
[8] However-unhealthy “pizza” might sound, it qualifies as a “vegetable” for the-same-reason-why ketchup qualifies as a “vegetable” under federal USDA school-nutrition guidelines: Both are made-of tomatoes! (Albeit, sometimes-with-enough sodium-and-vinegar to disguise the tomato flavor. It’s time for a low-sodium, low-acid ketchup!)
[9] Sad-as-it sounds, I used-to-sneak food into the library during high school; because I couldn’t reliably find anyone to sit-next-to in the cafeteria! (What merit was there in wearing the badge-of-isolation, when I could cloak my solitude in studiousness?) I continued this practice into college, where retaining -some- old habits brought-me-comfort. (I also wrote the song “Eating Alone” as an eventual result-of-my isolation; so, “there’s -that.-“)
[10] As a so-called “hardy green,” spinach (as-well-as chard and kale) can be harvested into the winter months. Its longer growing season (versus spring-to-autumn crops) means more nutrients can accumulate within its leaves, stems, and roots.
[11] Contrary to its name, “iceberg lettuce” isn’t grown on icebergs! Its name arises-from the pale, whitish color that predominates the “iceberg” cultivar of lettuce leaves. (The pale green that is sometimes found — usually, on the outer-most lettuce layer — harkens-to the grass that is sometimes seen near glaciers that flowed too-far-from the polar climate that produced them.)
[12] If you feel-as-if you’re missing-out-on vitamins and minerals by choosing lettuce over spinach; then, you can: 1) Either eat more lettuce, to compensate; or 2) Eat other vegetables, such-as celery and broccoli.
[13] Although dairy usually -doesn’t- cause stomach-aches in healthy children, some might have either lactose intolerance (which typically doesn’t develop until adulthood) or some variant-of-autism that responds-to-dairy by increasing inflammation.
[14] I never liked grilled cheese! It reminds-me-of melted plastic; or perhaps-worse, the play-slime “Gak”, which was a more-viscous variant of the slime that used-to-fall-on “Double Dare” contestants.
[15] I suppose Hometown Pharmacy chose the name “Brownie bites,” to discourage the playground jokes that would ensue-if they had-called their dish “Brownie balls.” (And if you dye those “Brownie balls” blue; then, you have a slang synonym for “intimate frustration.”)
[16] Although I’ve yet-to-see a precise definition of the word “brownie” that isn’t-just “chocolate cake” by a different name, there’s a vague consensus that a brownie is a mixture of cocoa powder, flour, eggs, and butter (and often, nuts and chocolate chunks) which, once baked, will have a density somewhere-between a cookie and a cake. “Gummy cake,” perhaps?
[17] Tuna-fish in pouches debuted in the early 2000s. (Which was during my college days!) The “Indonesian Tuna Factory” blog helpfully explains the differences in processing, packaging, and texture between traditional canned tuna and modern pouched tuna.
[18] Although pouched tuna means you can leave your can-opener at home, your child (and many adults!) will-still-need a cutting-tool to open their pouch-of-tuna: They don’t-always-tear easily. Pack scissors! (Safety scissors shall suffice.)
[19] Owing-to the intersection of its anti-microbial properties, human-safe chemical composition, and comparatively-mild taste (at-least, when compared-with vinegar), lemon juice is widely-used in do-it-yourself preservation. Its flavor bakes-in very softly; much-less-harshly than-does vinegar.
[20] Baking is fraught-with possible egg-on-face moments. As this 4-H baking contest “judging guide” reveals: Legion are-the-errors that a baker might make!
[21] My main disappointment-with Seneca apple chips, is-that they’re hard-to-find in brick-and-mortar stores! Few places stock them, not-even Walmart. Furthermore, you’ll pay handsomely — at-least $14, plus shipping, for 30 oz. — if you order-from Seneca Foods’ online store. This averages 46 cents-per-ounce, or $7.36 per pound, of apple chips!!!
This premium price eclipses the average price of chocolate; which has stood-at-about 37 cents-per-ounce since 2014. (Which I computed, by dividing $5.93-a-pound over 16 ounces.)
[22] Although such claims of an “impending food shortage” are near-universally attributed to the United Nations, I couldn’t find any food-shortage-related announcements on the U.N. website, beyond a solitary article about the Sudanese food shortage. “CBS News” is the most-reputable source that quotes the U.N.’s hard-to-find “global food shortage” statement. (It hinders searchability, that the primary source for the U.N.’s prediction is a non-transcribed video!)
[23] Lest anyone think I was-jesting-about the “ketchup as vegetable” determination by the 1980s-era USDA, here’s another article that delves-into the recognition of certain condiments as bona-fide foodstuffs having nutritive value.
[24] Although “extreme wrestlers” mostly wallop each-other with furniture, for some-reason-or-other they’re not-marketed-as “furniture fighters.” (Perhaps, it might confuse people-into-thinking the actors are upholsterers?) This Fox-8 Cleveland story introduces obscure performers, who haven’t had-the-chance to grace a bigger stage.
[25] Wayfair tells me they don’t-have-any folding chairs made-of-foam. But upon reflection, we already have a soft-impact chair (of sorts) in the-form-of beanbag chairs. Besides being softer-than metal chairs, they’re much-less aerodynamic: They can sort-of-be swung, so-long-as the fabric is loose-enough to grab-onto, like a folded-up handle.
[26] “Professional” and “backyard” wrestlers, alike, usually pre-cut folding tables before jumping-through them. However, as-demonstrated-by two aspiring stuntmen, you should still-have a crash-pad, thick canvas, some pillows, etc. beneath the table when it breaks. (So-that you don’t fall-too-hard and get hurt — stunt-person, or not!)
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